The Biggest Loser

I love the show The Biggest Loser.  I am a faithful watcher of the show and L.O.V.E. to watch the transformation that each player goes through.  I love to watch Bob and Jillian beat the crap out of the contestants.  I love to watch the weigh-ins and see how they do, and to see how far they have come.   I picture myself being one of the contestants on the show.  Something that I would love to do, and may still continue that dream...but...

Along with the watching the show comes some guilt.  I feel bad because I haven't been working out like I should.  I haven't been eating like I should.  I've been doing a lot of what I want to and not what I should be doing.  I get down on myself for not doing what I know needs to be done, which leads me to only digger myself deeper into where I shouldn't be.  Instead of doing something I dwell on the "should of been's, or could of been's".  I can't do that, I get to depressed about how I have failed over and over.  I know that I am a strong person, and can conquer this, it's just that not everything is clicking in my head.  This is just not a physical thing, but a complete mental thing too.  And it's hard, extremely hard.  I'm human and am not perfect.  There are so many things in my life that I want to do, but at the same time I feel like my weight is holding me back.  I don't let it hold me back from doing things (i.e. I don't hide myself in my basement from everyone), but I know what with the weight gone my confidence would soar I would feel like I could conquer the world. To be there someday is my dream.  I can write and talk about it all that I want, but actually acting on what I'm saying is hard.

I don't talk about this much, and in fact tend to bottle all of my emotions up inside, which doesn't help at all. This is hard, and I feel like I am letting so many people down.  I do know that the one factor that I need to include in all of this is God, he's really the only one that can help all of my connections link together and be successful at this.  It's not like I'm no young chicken anymore, and if I want to get married and have kids, I have to do that, for my future husband and family if nothing else.  I want nothing more to be truly happy on the inside and outside and find that person that God has for me in my life, that I can spend forever with.  I need prayers and support, and somedays I get so down that I don't know where to turn.  I will overcome this and I will be successful, I just have to take one.day.at.a.time.